So I have an aversion to giving my kids sugar. Alright, alright, alright. An aversion is a mild way to say how I feel. I DESPISE giving my children sugar and have avoided it as much as humanly possible for their entire lives. So the fact that yesterday was Halloween is almost enough to make me have an aneurism!
While I understand that part of being a kid is "living the kiddie dream" so to speak which means occasionally staying up too late, not showering or cleaning their room, and eating junk food, I still don't have to like it!
Sugar is one of the things that confuses me about parenting. I guess not just sugar but kids diets. I honestly don't care what you give your kid. If you want to give your kid nothing but chicken breasts and broccoli, or pizza and candy bars every meal I couldn't care less. What you choose to do regarding your own kids diets is simply that; your choice. But that isn't how most parents seem to feel about it. Food choices for others children is one of those things that parents seem to feel is ok to give their opinion on. I sort of think you should shut the hell up about it honestly. Truthfully, how is what I give my kid any concern of yours? If my kids are sugar deprived, that changes your life in what way?
Look, I'm not God's gift to parenting. I do however have extreme opinions about some things relating to my family and my children and sugar just happens to be one of them. The difference between you and I is that I don't criticize your food choices for your kids so why is it ok for you to do that to me?
Let's be totally clear...I haven't completely deprived my children of treats. I don't have soda in my house EVER and I choose to only let them have sugary treats if they eat their dinner. On some occasions (special occasions) they can have soda, candy, cake, etc, but it is just that; special...not normal. I don't think my children's lives are so awful because they don't have sugar whenever they want. I don't think they see it that way either. Treats are treats. Which by definition means something that doesn't happen whenever they feel like it.
Real life is about moderation. As adults we understand that we can't have everything we want all the time. I feel like part of my job as a mother is to teach my kids moderation and I choose to do it with food as one example. You may choose to teach that lesson with some other medium. I guess the part where you lose me is that I respect your choices for your kids, it would be nice if you provided me the same respect that I show you. Giving my kids soda and candy bars when you know I don't doesn't help them...I actually don't see how it helps you either. As adults we are supposed to set an example for our kids. Respecting each others parenting choices sometimes is a pretty good place to start.
I read a great quote today..."don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you." Do you feel like the example your children SEE is the type of person you want them to become?
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Yep I'm a Walking Contradiction
Trying to teach your children how to be responsible, respectful, functioning future adults is insanely difficult. Mostly because I'm a giant walking contradiction.
On a daily basis I find myself contradicting the things I ask of my children by doing something entirely different myself. I require they always use good manners, but sometimes I forget to say "please" when I ask them to do something or "thank you" when they do what I ask. I continuously remind them to be kind to one another, but I know I'm not always kind to everyone around me. I ask them to not yell at one another, but rolled down the window in my car the other day to literally scream at a moron who almost killed us; he deserved it but that's obviously not the point.
If the old saying is true that children are more likely to mimic our actions rather then follow our words then why do we as parents frequently live the more sarcastic life lesson of "do as I say not as I do?" I guess my only thought is that we want our children to be better than we are...but that's a total cop-out.
Reality is that we are flawed human beings and teaching another human being how to be better than we are is ridiculously challenging and frankly almost impossible unless we mirror our desires for them with actions, not words. But this is where the contradiction part comes in. I'm an adult. I have earned in my mind the right to not always say and do the right thing. Too bad the day I had children all that went to crap...I no longer had the right to say and do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I chose to have a baby and therefore I chose to take on the responsibility that came with that, including teaching that little child how to be a future functioning adult in our society.
I saw this picture once on this website by husband was looking at. It was meant to be funny, and trust me it was, but in a way it totally scarred me. It was a little boy, maybe 11 or 12 years old holding both his middle fingers up at the camera with the tagline of "are you raising a douche bag?" I'm terrified honestly that my kids will grow up to be whiny, entitled little jerks that people see on the street and think "their mother raised a douche bag." Hopefully however, it won't be because they are mirroring the behavior I have taught them through my actions.
I struggle everyday to teach my children to be good people. Respectful of others and respectful of themselves. I definitely do things I shouldn't, but the lessons I teach my children aren't just words. Sure sometimes I contradict what I tell them...who doesn't...but as long as I stay conscious of the bigger picture, the larger lessons I want to teach my kids, and continue to focus on not raising little jerks, my mild contradictions will hopefully show my kids that I'm not always perfect; and they don't always have to be either. Now that's a worthwhile lesson to teach them.
On a daily basis I find myself contradicting the things I ask of my children by doing something entirely different myself. I require they always use good manners, but sometimes I forget to say "please" when I ask them to do something or "thank you" when they do what I ask. I continuously remind them to be kind to one another, but I know I'm not always kind to everyone around me. I ask them to not yell at one another, but rolled down the window in my car the other day to literally scream at a moron who almost killed us; he deserved it but that's obviously not the point.
If the old saying is true that children are more likely to mimic our actions rather then follow our words then why do we as parents frequently live the more sarcastic life lesson of "do as I say not as I do?" I guess my only thought is that we want our children to be better than we are...but that's a total cop-out.
Reality is that we are flawed human beings and teaching another human being how to be better than we are is ridiculously challenging and frankly almost impossible unless we mirror our desires for them with actions, not words. But this is where the contradiction part comes in. I'm an adult. I have earned in my mind the right to not always say and do the right thing. Too bad the day I had children all that went to crap...I no longer had the right to say and do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I chose to have a baby and therefore I chose to take on the responsibility that came with that, including teaching that little child how to be a future functioning adult in our society.
I saw this picture once on this website by husband was looking at. It was meant to be funny, and trust me it was, but in a way it totally scarred me. It was a little boy, maybe 11 or 12 years old holding both his middle fingers up at the camera with the tagline of "are you raising a douche bag?" I'm terrified honestly that my kids will grow up to be whiny, entitled little jerks that people see on the street and think "their mother raised a douche bag." Hopefully however, it won't be because they are mirroring the behavior I have taught them through my actions.
I struggle everyday to teach my children to be good people. Respectful of others and respectful of themselves. I definitely do things I shouldn't, but the lessons I teach my children aren't just words. Sure sometimes I contradict what I tell them...who doesn't...but as long as I stay conscious of the bigger picture, the larger lessons I want to teach my kids, and continue to focus on not raising little jerks, my mild contradictions will hopefully show my kids that I'm not always perfect; and they don't always have to be either. Now that's a worthwhile lesson to teach them.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
If that thing falls out one more time I'm going to glue it to your face
Oh the joys of having new babies.
While there are certainly many wonderful things about having adorable, cute, cuddly, sweet smelling, smiling babies...none of those things are wonderful at 3:00 in the morning.
I lived and died by two things when my kids were babies...their swing and their moo moo (you may call it a paci, soother, binky, etc). Without those two things I truly may have lost my mind. When neither of those things worked or for example they wouldn't keep their moo moo in their mouth especially in the middle of the night I found myself having unreasonable thoughts like, "if that thing falls out of your mouth one more time I'm going to glue it to your face." And in conversations with other mothers, especially a great friend who just had a baby, I realized that many moms feel this way.
I think as our children get older we become less sympathetic to the life of the new mother. Mothers with new babies have it rough. In our "older kid" life we forget how unbelievably hard it was when our children were incapable of doing anything for themselves. How honestly sad and lonely that life was. We lived and died by the needs of our children and oh my God how rough was that? Ridiculously!
I place no judgement on the choices new moms make with their children. Ok, I try hard not to place judgement. I think you have to do what is right for your child but sometimes, it's impossible to figure out what that really is because no one around you will let you form your own opinion. They all have an idea of the "right" way to parent; Which doesn't exist BTW.
The best advice I can give a new mom is fuck 'em honestly. Sorry to be so frank but I kind of think that's what people like about the way I say things; honestly and straight forward. You can't please everyone. You shouldn't even try. The best thing you can do is please yourself and make choices for your life and your baby that make you happy.
You will never make anyone else happy. People suck. Even when you give them what they want, they will change their mind. Be true to yourself. That baby wants to do what you want it to do. You are a confident, capable, amazing woman. You carried that baby for 10 months in your stomach. You birthed that baby.
You can do it! I promise you can. Don't you dare let anyone tell you that you can't.
While there are certainly many wonderful things about having adorable, cute, cuddly, sweet smelling, smiling babies...none of those things are wonderful at 3:00 in the morning.
I lived and died by two things when my kids were babies...their swing and their moo moo (you may call it a paci, soother, binky, etc). Without those two things I truly may have lost my mind. When neither of those things worked or for example they wouldn't keep their moo moo in their mouth especially in the middle of the night I found myself having unreasonable thoughts like, "if that thing falls out of your mouth one more time I'm going to glue it to your face." And in conversations with other mothers, especially a great friend who just had a baby, I realized that many moms feel this way.
I think as our children get older we become less sympathetic to the life of the new mother. Mothers with new babies have it rough. In our "older kid" life we forget how unbelievably hard it was when our children were incapable of doing anything for themselves. How honestly sad and lonely that life was. We lived and died by the needs of our children and oh my God how rough was that? Ridiculously!
I place no judgement on the choices new moms make with their children. Ok, I try hard not to place judgement. I think you have to do what is right for your child but sometimes, it's impossible to figure out what that really is because no one around you will let you form your own opinion. They all have an idea of the "right" way to parent; Which doesn't exist BTW.
The best advice I can give a new mom is fuck 'em honestly. Sorry to be so frank but I kind of think that's what people like about the way I say things; honestly and straight forward. You can't please everyone. You shouldn't even try. The best thing you can do is please yourself and make choices for your life and your baby that make you happy.
You will never make anyone else happy. People suck. Even when you give them what they want, they will change their mind. Be true to yourself. That baby wants to do what you want it to do. You are a confident, capable, amazing woman. You carried that baby for 10 months in your stomach. You birthed that baby.
You can do it! I promise you can. Don't you dare let anyone tell you that you can't.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
You don't "babysit" your own kids
What the hell is up with guys? Almost nothing irritates me more than when I hear a man say he is "babysitting his kids." You don't babysit your own children for crying out loud.
Why is it a mothers job to take care of the kids, but if the dad is taking care of them it is considered babysitting? Babysitting refers to something temporary. Kids are not temporary. We were both there to make the kid, we are both equally responsible for taking care of it.
Initially I mistakenly thought this was a stay at home mother issue but I find it equally common for the spouses of working moms to make the same babysitting proclamation. So honestly what's up with that? Can you imagine a mother saying to her friends that she's only babysitting the kids today? What does that even mean?
As I started to think about it I wondered if this whole babysitting thing is something we mothers perpetuate ourselves. Is there something that we are doing that allows our significant other to believe that he isn't as responsible for our children as we are? The harsh answer: Yes.
While my husband wouldn't dare use that word I do believe I have this issue in my own home and that I created it myself honestly. Being the control freak that I am (even if unintentionally), I put off a vibe that I am more capable of taking care of them than he is. When our children were younger I was certainly more of a nag. I had a perceived idea of what a parent "should" do and how they "should" play with their kids, feed them, etc. So if he didn't do it that way then I let him off the hook in the responsibilities and justified it to myself because I was doing what our kids needed. Thus creating an environment where it appears that he is only temporarily responsible for them and only when I need him to be.
So, how do we mothers solve this issue? For starters, we stop criticizing our partner about the way they parent. My husband said something so profound to me when our oldest daughter was about 3 that it snapped me out of my unrealistic expectations of him. He said "you aren't allowed to tell me how to parent my child. I'm allowed to establish the kind of relationship I want with my children without you telling me how to do that. You don't get to decide how I bond." Wow! He's so right. I don't get to tell him. I would be pretty pissed honestly if he did the same thing to me.
Does it still frustrate me that he isn't as engaged as I perceive he should be? Yes. Does it totally annoy me that sometimes he thinks playing with the kids is reading while they play a game next to him? Absolutely. But our children adore him. They think he is a rock star. So if they can let him parent how he wants to then I absolutely should; within reason of course ;).
Parenting is a partnership and if we mothers make our partner feel inferior in the process than of course they are going to perceive their role as less than too. While it's hard to admit that the problem starts with us, sometimes it does, and realizing it is the first step to making it better for everybody.
Why is it a mothers job to take care of the kids, but if the dad is taking care of them it is considered babysitting? Babysitting refers to something temporary. Kids are not temporary. We were both there to make the kid, we are both equally responsible for taking care of it.
Initially I mistakenly thought this was a stay at home mother issue but I find it equally common for the spouses of working moms to make the same babysitting proclamation. So honestly what's up with that? Can you imagine a mother saying to her friends that she's only babysitting the kids today? What does that even mean?
As I started to think about it I wondered if this whole babysitting thing is something we mothers perpetuate ourselves. Is there something that we are doing that allows our significant other to believe that he isn't as responsible for our children as we are? The harsh answer: Yes.
While my husband wouldn't dare use that word I do believe I have this issue in my own home and that I created it myself honestly. Being the control freak that I am (even if unintentionally), I put off a vibe that I am more capable of taking care of them than he is. When our children were younger I was certainly more of a nag. I had a perceived idea of what a parent "should" do and how they "should" play with their kids, feed them, etc. So if he didn't do it that way then I let him off the hook in the responsibilities and justified it to myself because I was doing what our kids needed. Thus creating an environment where it appears that he is only temporarily responsible for them and only when I need him to be.
So, how do we mothers solve this issue? For starters, we stop criticizing our partner about the way they parent. My husband said something so profound to me when our oldest daughter was about 3 that it snapped me out of my unrealistic expectations of him. He said "you aren't allowed to tell me how to parent my child. I'm allowed to establish the kind of relationship I want with my children without you telling me how to do that. You don't get to decide how I bond." Wow! He's so right. I don't get to tell him. I would be pretty pissed honestly if he did the same thing to me.
Does it still frustrate me that he isn't as engaged as I perceive he should be? Yes. Does it totally annoy me that sometimes he thinks playing with the kids is reading while they play a game next to him? Absolutely. But our children adore him. They think he is a rock star. So if they can let him parent how he wants to then I absolutely should; within reason of course ;).
Parenting is a partnership and if we mothers make our partner feel inferior in the process than of course they are going to perceive their role as less than too. While it's hard to admit that the problem starts with us, sometimes it does, and realizing it is the first step to making it better for everybody.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Surprise
I suppose this is a redundant word when it comes to parenting but oh how I am constantly surprised with this whole shenanigan called parenting. Even more so, life surprises me. Just when you think you have it all figured out something comes around that knocks you straight on your ass.
So I guess the question is...why do I continue to disillusion myself into believing I have it all figured out, even part of the time? The truth would be to say I never know what the hell I am doing. It's all one giant experiment and my kids are the unfortunate test subjects for my inability to always be amazing at parenting.
Disillusioning myself into thinking that I've got this parenting thing down even a little is a protection mechanism I suppose. If I allow myself to think even slightly that I can't do it, then psychologically I will fail. Guaranteed! Telling myself that I can do it, and I know what is happening, and I know how to react, at least theoretically provides me with some hope that I can respond appropriately.
Surprise is such a funny concept. For a control freak like me it's a terrifying concept. Horrifies me honestly. But some people totally thrive on it. They love not knowing what life will bring each day and being spontaneous about how they react that life when it does come is a thrill for them. That makes me want to cry...but since I don't cry that won't happen.
Well when I was pregnant I allowed myself to have life's ultimate surprise. I didn't want to know the sex of my baby. What? A control freak was willing to be surprised? Yep. I guess each time I think of how amazing it was in that moment to have no control and no idea what was going to happen, I remind myself that surprises really can be good. Obviously not all parenting suprises are amazing and fun (like finding your 6 year old playing with his football in the toilet water) but acknowledging that learning can come from not knowing how to react is empowering.
Guess we all have to let go sometimes...as long as it doesn't mean more things will go inside the toilet water; literally and figuratively.
So I guess the question is...why do I continue to disillusion myself into believing I have it all figured out, even part of the time? The truth would be to say I never know what the hell I am doing. It's all one giant experiment and my kids are the unfortunate test subjects for my inability to always be amazing at parenting.
Disillusioning myself into thinking that I've got this parenting thing down even a little is a protection mechanism I suppose. If I allow myself to think even slightly that I can't do it, then psychologically I will fail. Guaranteed! Telling myself that I can do it, and I know what is happening, and I know how to react, at least theoretically provides me with some hope that I can respond appropriately.
Surprise is such a funny concept. For a control freak like me it's a terrifying concept. Horrifies me honestly. But some people totally thrive on it. They love not knowing what life will bring each day and being spontaneous about how they react that life when it does come is a thrill for them. That makes me want to cry...but since I don't cry that won't happen.
Well when I was pregnant I allowed myself to have life's ultimate surprise. I didn't want to know the sex of my baby. What? A control freak was willing to be surprised? Yep. I guess each time I think of how amazing it was in that moment to have no control and no idea what was going to happen, I remind myself that surprises really can be good. Obviously not all parenting suprises are amazing and fun (like finding your 6 year old playing with his football in the toilet water) but acknowledging that learning can come from not knowing how to react is empowering.
Guess we all have to let go sometimes...as long as it doesn't mean more things will go inside the toilet water; literally and figuratively.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Born to be a mother
NOPE, I was NOT born to be a mom. As a matter of fact I hate children. When I was pregnant with my first I was certain I would hate her. Actually as it stands now I maintain my hatred of children...not my own, but certainly yours! I also don't think I'm the only mother who wasn't born to be one and yet still, by circumstance and the dirty-dirty, here we all are. So now what?
This thought that we are all born with mothering instincts irritates me. I actually think it is on the top of the list of things that allow mothers to unnecessarily judge each other. Like if you don't just love all the things about your children or respond in the right way to the challenges, you carry around this shameful scarlet letter tattooed on your forehead. As if there is a right and wrong way anyway.
Do I think instincts exist? Of course. Do I think mothers have them? Sure. Do I think other mothers misuse this term as a tool for gossip and mistreatment of each other? NO DOUBT.
Your birthing story is yours. Your reasoning behind having children is yours. Your struggle or simplicity in the process is yours. Do I think you should use your experience and your feelings to tell me how I should feel about it? No.
I don't always make the right choices. I don't always say the right things. Sometimes I react in ways that horrify me when it comes to my kids, but I try really hard to not judge other mothers who tell me those same stories. I wish women could just support each other unconditionally without constantly playing the "I'm better than you are game" with one another.
Whether you wanted to be a mother or not, you ARE a mother. Whether you love being a mother or not, you still ARE a mother. Whether you enjoy the experiences that come from being a mother, you are always going to be a mother. There is no shame in admitting the struggles and admitting that maybe this isn't the life you dreamed for yourself.
If you chose to be a mother and it was always something you dreamed of, there is only one difference between you and I...because I didn't really want to be mom I don't carry the shame in admitting that motherhood doesn't live up to the impossible picture we as women form for ourselves.
I know I'm not super mom and I wasn't born to be, but just like I tell my children when they are doing something...the only thing I ask is that each time you try a little harder than last time, and you get a little better than you were the day before, and you learn to do it a little different if it wasn't right the first time.
Can you really ask for more than that from yourself?
This thought that we are all born with mothering instincts irritates me. I actually think it is on the top of the list of things that allow mothers to unnecessarily judge each other. Like if you don't just love all the things about your children or respond in the right way to the challenges, you carry around this shameful scarlet letter tattooed on your forehead. As if there is a right and wrong way anyway.
Do I think instincts exist? Of course. Do I think mothers have them? Sure. Do I think other mothers misuse this term as a tool for gossip and mistreatment of each other? NO DOUBT.
Your birthing story is yours. Your reasoning behind having children is yours. Your struggle or simplicity in the process is yours. Do I think you should use your experience and your feelings to tell me how I should feel about it? No.
I don't always make the right choices. I don't always say the right things. Sometimes I react in ways that horrify me when it comes to my kids, but I try really hard to not judge other mothers who tell me those same stories. I wish women could just support each other unconditionally without constantly playing the "I'm better than you are game" with one another.
Whether you wanted to be a mother or not, you ARE a mother. Whether you love being a mother or not, you still ARE a mother. Whether you enjoy the experiences that come from being a mother, you are always going to be a mother. There is no shame in admitting the struggles and admitting that maybe this isn't the life you dreamed for yourself.
If you chose to be a mother and it was always something you dreamed of, there is only one difference between you and I...because I didn't really want to be mom I don't carry the shame in admitting that motherhood doesn't live up to the impossible picture we as women form for ourselves.
I know I'm not super mom and I wasn't born to be, but just like I tell my children when they are doing something...the only thing I ask is that each time you try a little harder than last time, and you get a little better than you were the day before, and you learn to do it a little different if it wasn't right the first time.
Can you really ask for more than that from yourself?
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Want or need...
Do I want freedom or do I need to feel like I have my own life?
Wants and needs as a mother are just as interesting as the role itself and defining whether the things we desire in life are true needs or wants is very tricky. As mothers we naturally tell ourselves that our own needs are always wants because we must put our children first. Their needs become more important than our needs so we simply invalidate ours and make them into wants. God forbid as mothers we have wants. That's selfish (insert sarcasm in case you weren't sure)!
I happen to be a firm believer in putting myself first. I think if I put myself and my needs first, then I am by far a better wife. When I am a better wife, we have a better marriage. When we have a better marriage, my children are happier and healthier. The cycle of happiness in my home begins with mommy. This is something I am criticized for frequently and it baffles me. I don't see anything wrong with meeting my needs first. I don't think that has a correlation to my children NOT having their needs met. I don't think it is either/or. I think I am allowed to have my needs met as well, but that is a societal no no. As mothers we are supposed to be all selfless and self-sacrificing. Well, I think that's crap.
Parenthood is a really strange dichotomy. On one hand it's a connection to something larger than yourself. On the other however, it's a chain that forever binds you to something in a way that seems out of your control. Some days I feel like I want freedom from this life that seems decided by what my kids wants and needs are. But I think most days I really just need to find the balance between meeting their needs and needing to have my own life.
Although I talk big and say I believe in putting myself first, I'm not always good at it...mommy, the continuous work in progress. I think the thing that helps me the most is actually writing down the things I need to feel capable...A shower everyday, 45 minutes on the elliptical, 20 minutes to read a book or a trashy magazine, a phone conversation with my sister or a friend, a babysitter every other week for date night, etc. These are the things that keep me sane.
There is nothing wrong as mothers with acknowledging our needs. If it takes a list to make you do it, then make the list. Make yourself more important than anyone else in your life. It's ok to put YOU first. Being a strong, confident, sane mother is something worth showing your children and doing something for yourself every single day is a pretty good start.
Wants and needs as a mother are just as interesting as the role itself and defining whether the things we desire in life are true needs or wants is very tricky. As mothers we naturally tell ourselves that our own needs are always wants because we must put our children first. Their needs become more important than our needs so we simply invalidate ours and make them into wants. God forbid as mothers we have wants. That's selfish (insert sarcasm in case you weren't sure)!
I happen to be a firm believer in putting myself first. I think if I put myself and my needs first, then I am by far a better wife. When I am a better wife, we have a better marriage. When we have a better marriage, my children are happier and healthier. The cycle of happiness in my home begins with mommy. This is something I am criticized for frequently and it baffles me. I don't see anything wrong with meeting my needs first. I don't think that has a correlation to my children NOT having their needs met. I don't think it is either/or. I think I am allowed to have my needs met as well, but that is a societal no no. As mothers we are supposed to be all selfless and self-sacrificing. Well, I think that's crap.
Parenthood is a really strange dichotomy. On one hand it's a connection to something larger than yourself. On the other however, it's a chain that forever binds you to something in a way that seems out of your control. Some days I feel like I want freedom from this life that seems decided by what my kids wants and needs are. But I think most days I really just need to find the balance between meeting their needs and needing to have my own life.
Although I talk big and say I believe in putting myself first, I'm not always good at it...mommy, the continuous work in progress. I think the thing that helps me the most is actually writing down the things I need to feel capable...A shower everyday, 45 minutes on the elliptical, 20 minutes to read a book or a trashy magazine, a phone conversation with my sister or a friend, a babysitter every other week for date night, etc. These are the things that keep me sane.
There is nothing wrong as mothers with acknowledging our needs. If it takes a list to make you do it, then make the list. Make yourself more important than anyone else in your life. It's ok to put YOU first. Being a strong, confident, sane mother is something worth showing your children and doing something for yourself every single day is a pretty good start.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)