I can't totally put my finger on it, but this statement really, really bugs me. As a parent you signed up to take care of your children...which means providing for them their basic necessities and of course emotional needs as well. If you have a child then you don't get to throw in their face the "things I do for you." You're SUPPOSED to do those things. If you choose to do more than the basic things you agreed to when you chose to have a child then you still don't get to point out to them all you do...you made a choice to give them those things as well.
Your children don't choose you. They don't get to choose how you raise them. They don't really get a choice about the things you provide for them. Ultimately, all those things are your choices.
Do I think as a parent you can be frustrated with your kids unwillingness to be grateful for the things they have in their life? Yes, but I definitely don't think you get to guilt trip them about all they have.
My kids are endlessly frustrating to me in the ungrateful department. My kids favorite saying most days is "that's not fair." So do I get frustrated with the fact that they don't totally comprehend how blessed they are in their life? Yes, but I try to not to say to them "here's all I do for you, blah blah blah. Aren't you lucky?" I definitely struggle with not guilt-tripping them about it, but I make a conscious effort to try not to.
Truthfully, are kids really even capable of seeing how blessed they are? They know no life other than the one I have given them and even when exposed to how different others lives are, I still don't think they truly comprehend it. Do my kids know there are starving kids in the world or even kids in their own neighborhood who share one room in a small home with their whole family? Of course, but that doesn't stop my kids from whining about what I gave them for dinner and not eating it, and thinking their own bedroom just "isn't all I hoped it would be" (whatever that means). I honestly don't think my kids will ever really be grateful for the life they have until they have to take care of themselves completely and potentially not until they have to take care of another human being.
I don't think pointing out all they have or all I do for them does any good. On the contrary I actually think it teaches them to resent me. So while I will be internally annoyed about how ungrateful my kids are, I will keep it inside....well, I will probably point out the need for being thankful in life but I won't give them a laundry list of all those things...hopefully...here's to trying anyway.
Thought provoking for sure! Why do we feel the need to project guilt onto others for "all the things we do" for them? We can certainly choose to not do anything for the people we love ... But what kind of life is that for them or for us?
ReplyDeleteInteresting that you say that Emily because you are absolutely right. We don't just guilt trip our children, we guilt trip many of the people around us...frequently the people we claim to care about most in the world.
DeleteMy guess is insecurity. As a society we often feel like we need validation for the stuff we do. Instead of working on ourselves and learning how to feel validated on our own through our own happiness, we take the short cut and try and get that same validation for our actions and choices from others...and frequently the way we seek it is through guilt because we aren't getting it organically in the way we think we should.
The issue is about ourselves, but it is always easier to blame others than to fix your own problems.