I know what you're thinking...obviously if your kids were stupid (alright I probably shouldn't say stupid...how about not so smart) it wouldn't necessarily be cheaper, but my intention with this post was just to vent that this was not something I was prepared for when I had children.
As you have seen with my previous post about my kids being smarter than I am already, I am sure you are noticing a theme; I am not the most prepared mother in terms of expectations related to my children. I am unsure of whether or not it is a good thing that I don't have ridiculous expectations of what my children will be like, but nonetheless I was grossly unprepared for how expensive it would be to supply children with the things they need to keep "growing dendrites" as my 10 year old likes to say.
Sure if my kids wanted video games or lots of new clothes that would be expensive as well, but it is easy as a parent to say no to frivolous wants. Part of teaching your children the lessons of life involve teaching them that they can't have everything they want. Money doesn't grow on trees, blah blah blah. I don't want to raise entitled children who think that anything they want they can have. But when your child asks you for books, or scale models of the solar system, or even a giant poster of the periodic table of elements you pause and rethink your previously established rule of saying no to pretty much everything they ask for.
How do you say no to things that make them grow and thrive? It's the million dollar question!
While I ponder an answer I guess I will go poor supplying my kids with things that grow their dendrites and hope eventually it pays off with college scholarships, great jobs, or really just happy, healthy, NOT stupid children. God please NO stupid children...that can't be too much to ask for right?
Monday, July 30, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
The Things We Do for Our Kids
I can't totally put my finger on it, but this statement really, really bugs me. As a parent you signed up to take care of your children...which means providing for them their basic necessities and of course emotional needs as well. If you have a child then you don't get to throw in their face the "things I do for you." You're SUPPOSED to do those things. If you choose to do more than the basic things you agreed to when you chose to have a child then you still don't get to point out to them all you do...you made a choice to give them those things as well.
Your children don't choose you. They don't get to choose how you raise them. They don't really get a choice about the things you provide for them. Ultimately, all those things are your choices.
Do I think as a parent you can be frustrated with your kids unwillingness to be grateful for the things they have in their life? Yes, but I definitely don't think you get to guilt trip them about all they have.
My kids are endlessly frustrating to me in the ungrateful department. My kids favorite saying most days is "that's not fair." So do I get frustrated with the fact that they don't totally comprehend how blessed they are in their life? Yes, but I try to not to say to them "here's all I do for you, blah blah blah. Aren't you lucky?" I definitely struggle with not guilt-tripping them about it, but I make a conscious effort to try not to.
Truthfully, are kids really even capable of seeing how blessed they are? They know no life other than the one I have given them and even when exposed to how different others lives are, I still don't think they truly comprehend it. Do my kids know there are starving kids in the world or even kids in their own neighborhood who share one room in a small home with their whole family? Of course, but that doesn't stop my kids from whining about what I gave them for dinner and not eating it, and thinking their own bedroom just "isn't all I hoped it would be" (whatever that means). I honestly don't think my kids will ever really be grateful for the life they have until they have to take care of themselves completely and potentially not until they have to take care of another human being.
I don't think pointing out all they have or all I do for them does any good. On the contrary I actually think it teaches them to resent me. So while I will be internally annoyed about how ungrateful my kids are, I will keep it inside....well, I will probably point out the need for being thankful in life but I won't give them a laundry list of all those things...hopefully...here's to trying anyway.
Your children don't choose you. They don't get to choose how you raise them. They don't really get a choice about the things you provide for them. Ultimately, all those things are your choices.
Do I think as a parent you can be frustrated with your kids unwillingness to be grateful for the things they have in their life? Yes, but I definitely don't think you get to guilt trip them about all they have.
My kids are endlessly frustrating to me in the ungrateful department. My kids favorite saying most days is "that's not fair." So do I get frustrated with the fact that they don't totally comprehend how blessed they are in their life? Yes, but I try to not to say to them "here's all I do for you, blah blah blah. Aren't you lucky?" I definitely struggle with not guilt-tripping them about it, but I make a conscious effort to try not to.
Truthfully, are kids really even capable of seeing how blessed they are? They know no life other than the one I have given them and even when exposed to how different others lives are, I still don't think they truly comprehend it. Do my kids know there are starving kids in the world or even kids in their own neighborhood who share one room in a small home with their whole family? Of course, but that doesn't stop my kids from whining about what I gave them for dinner and not eating it, and thinking their own bedroom just "isn't all I hoped it would be" (whatever that means). I honestly don't think my kids will ever really be grateful for the life they have until they have to take care of themselves completely and potentially not until they have to take care of another human being.
I don't think pointing out all they have or all I do for them does any good. On the contrary I actually think it teaches them to resent me. So while I will be internally annoyed about how ungrateful my kids are, I will keep it inside....well, I will probably point out the need for being thankful in life but I won't give them a laundry list of all those things...hopefully...here's to trying anyway.
Friday, July 27, 2012
The One-Upper Mother
Yep we have all met her. The mom who is AMAZING at absolutely EVERYTHING. Her marriage is perfect...her kids are always well mannered and dressed exactly as they should be, braids/fancy hair bows and all...her house is immaculate...her kids are geniuses and of course the best in their class and at ALL the sports they do.
My only question is, would I rather be honest or live a life of delusion as the one-upper mother does?
I can see how a life of delusion could be cool. If you say something to yourself often enough you just might believe it right?. Maybe if I lived a life of delusion about my children and my marriage I might not want to poke my eyes with hot needles on a daily basis. Maybe if I told myself that I was always doing everything in my life correctly and always had the appropriate response in every situation with my kids I might feel better about the job I do. Maybe if my kids always looked perfect and you could eat off the floor in my kitchen I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I was one kick-ass mother!
And yet, if this life of delusion were really my "reality" I can't help but think that at night, alone in my bed in the dark I would have a moment where I would say to myself, geez Jaime, you are so full of s**t! At least I hope I would call myself out on it.
Who really wants to be so dishonest with themselves. We all have moments where we embellish our reality or stretch the truth about what really happens in our lives to other people: that's human nature I suppose. But I would rather tell you my house looks like crap, today I wanted to murder my husband, and I put all my kids things in garbage bags because they wouldn't clean their rooms, then pretend that all things are great all the time.
What a truly sad and lonely life it must be to be perfect and amazing ALL THE TIME!
My only question is, would I rather be honest or live a life of delusion as the one-upper mother does?
I can see how a life of delusion could be cool. If you say something to yourself often enough you just might believe it right?. Maybe if I lived a life of delusion about my children and my marriage I might not want to poke my eyes with hot needles on a daily basis. Maybe if I told myself that I was always doing everything in my life correctly and always had the appropriate response in every situation with my kids I might feel better about the job I do. Maybe if my kids always looked perfect and you could eat off the floor in my kitchen I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I was one kick-ass mother!
And yet, if this life of delusion were really my "reality" I can't help but think that at night, alone in my bed in the dark I would have a moment where I would say to myself, geez Jaime, you are so full of s**t! At least I hope I would call myself out on it.
Who really wants to be so dishonest with themselves. We all have moments where we embellish our reality or stretch the truth about what really happens in our lives to other people: that's human nature I suppose. But I would rather tell you my house looks like crap, today I wanted to murder my husband, and I put all my kids things in garbage bags because they wouldn't clean their rooms, then pretend that all things are great all the time.
What a truly sad and lonely life it must be to be perfect and amazing ALL THE TIME!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Patience
The question of the hour...when you are a mother, are you truly even capable of being patient?
Today I went to a friends house so she and I could have a play date and the kids of course could have one too. On our way out the door I texted her and asked if she needed anything. Her response..."No, just patience." My response..."Well then I'm screwed!" And the truth is, I am TOTALLY screwed.
Before I had my first child I thought maybe I would be capable of listening, understanding, accepting my children for their faults. Reality...I am capable of NONE of those things. Some people are surely built to be mothers and are ingrained with more understanding and more patience in general. Those mothers STILL aren't always patient. My pet peeve...when mothers pretend they are ALWAYS patient.
Kids are stupid...I'm pretty sure that's their job actually. Stupidity which turns into parental testing, which hopefully in a circular way turns into a life lesson when all is said and done (hopefully being the operative word).
Weekly (ok I am being generous...daily) I have a moment with my kids where I say to myself "yep they are gonna tell their therapist someday about this one." I guess I have decided that in it's own strange way the things they tell their therapist someday are opportunities for learning...for both them and I.
Patience is a virtue as my mother said, and although I frequently sing the patience song to my children (you know...have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry...when you get impatient you only start to worry...blah blah blah) it would do me some good to listen sometimes and heed my own advice. But since patience and stubbornness don't really go together, I'm gonna have to put it on the list for a future conversation with my own therapist.
Inappropriate to save for therapy for my kids instead of college? Hmm....
Today I went to a friends house so she and I could have a play date and the kids of course could have one too. On our way out the door I texted her and asked if she needed anything. Her response..."No, just patience." My response..."Well then I'm screwed!" And the truth is, I am TOTALLY screwed.
Before I had my first child I thought maybe I would be capable of listening, understanding, accepting my children for their faults. Reality...I am capable of NONE of those things. Some people are surely built to be mothers and are ingrained with more understanding and more patience in general. Those mothers STILL aren't always patient. My pet peeve...when mothers pretend they are ALWAYS patient.
Kids are stupid...I'm pretty sure that's their job actually. Stupidity which turns into parental testing, which hopefully in a circular way turns into a life lesson when all is said and done (hopefully being the operative word).
Weekly (ok I am being generous...daily) I have a moment with my kids where I say to myself "yep they are gonna tell their therapist someday about this one." I guess I have decided that in it's own strange way the things they tell their therapist someday are opportunities for learning...for both them and I.
Patience is a virtue as my mother said, and although I frequently sing the patience song to my children (you know...have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry...when you get impatient you only start to worry...blah blah blah) it would do me some good to listen sometimes and heed my own advice. But since patience and stubbornness don't really go together, I'm gonna have to put it on the list for a future conversation with my own therapist.
Inappropriate to save for therapy for my kids instead of college? Hmm....
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
What the...flush
I can't possibly be the only parent in the world who still has to tell her 9 year old to flush the toilet right? I can't possibly be the only parent in the world who thinks that is TOTALLY gross and that at some point my kids SHOULD be old enough to flush the toilet without asking right?
Gosh I hope I'm not the only one!
Why is it that seemingly simple tasks like remembering to flush the toilet totally escape my children? It just blows my mind that the smell alone doesn't prompt them into flushing simply so they don't want to gag every time they enter their own bathroom.
Before you go there that my 9 year old must be a boy and boys are gross...you'd be wrong. It's a girl, and she is just as gross as my little boy, maybe even worse in some ways.
I am totally terrified for true teenage years when my kids really smell, are legitimately dirty and I can no longer FORCE them to shower, and conversations about laundry and hair brushing turn into hats over tangled/greasy hair and inside out underwear wearing.
No wonder deodorant and AXE body spray are so popular. Maybe I should start a line specifically for moms to give to their children called STOP GROSSING ME OUT! I mean seriously?!?
Gosh I hope I'm not the only one!
Why is it that seemingly simple tasks like remembering to flush the toilet totally escape my children? It just blows my mind that the smell alone doesn't prompt them into flushing simply so they don't want to gag every time they enter their own bathroom.
Before you go there that my 9 year old must be a boy and boys are gross...you'd be wrong. It's a girl, and she is just as gross as my little boy, maybe even worse in some ways.
I am totally terrified for true teenage years when my kids really smell, are legitimately dirty and I can no longer FORCE them to shower, and conversations about laundry and hair brushing turn into hats over tangled/greasy hair and inside out underwear wearing.
No wonder deodorant and AXE body spray are so popular. Maybe I should start a line specifically for moms to give to their children called STOP GROSSING ME OUT! I mean seriously?!?
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Bon bons and soap operas
I remember like it was yesterday the first work party I went to with
my husband. We had maybe been married a year but when you attend things
like this where you don't know anyone it is common to ask generic
questions...you know like "what do you do for a living?" WOW what a
question! It seems so simple and obvious but for the first time I had to
think about. What is my job? Am I a stay at home mom? Am I a part time
working mother who runs a scrapbook store but really only "works" 4 days
a week outside of the home? I don't know! What do I say? My simple
response and his seemingly simple answer would change my life..."I stay
at home with my child." "Oh you're just a mom. Well that's wonderful.
I wish I could spend all day at home eating bon bons and watching soap
operas." Spend all day at home doing what? Um that's not how I would
describe my average day.
I guess the part that frustrates me the most about my memory of that moment is that I didn't do something else. My initial response was shock honestly but I wish I would have validated what I did...not that that jerk off would care anyway...not the point though.
So, why is it that people think mothers just sit at home? Is it our fault that people think we eat bon bons all day and watch soap operas?
I can't decide honestly if I contribute to this nonsense or try and debunk it. As a stay at home mother (maybe by choice, partially by fear of doing anything else at this point) I find that my job is not one that is respected. I just can't decide if stay at home moms have made that ridiculous stereotype or if it is something society perpetuates.
As hard as it is for me to admit, I know there have been times when asked that I have said "I am just a mom." In my soul I know I don't believe that, but I tell myself that the "real" answer to the question of what I do for a living is too difficult to say. The truth...I honestly believe that the real reason I don't tell people what I actually do all day long is because I don't want people thinking I am just trying to come up with things to make it sound like I don't sit around and eat bon bons and watch soap operas. But this is my issue and my problem that I put on other people...thus the same circular issue...is it me who perpetuates the lie or is it society?
I guess the answer to me is a little bit of both. People have no idea what mothers do all day long unless they have been in our shoes so they should shut the hell up about it. As far as mothers go, we need to learn to be more confident in the work we do whether we get paid for it or not.
As for me, I guess it's time I learn to be ok with saying, "I stay at home with my children. I am the PTA President at their elementary school. I manage dozens if not nearly 100 volunteers in the 3 nationwide non-profit organizations I volunteer for. I am currently writing 3 books. I have my own blog. I manage a household of 5 people and do it pretty damn well. What do you do for a living?"
I guess the part that frustrates me the most about my memory of that moment is that I didn't do something else. My initial response was shock honestly but I wish I would have validated what I did...not that that jerk off would care anyway...not the point though.
So, why is it that people think mothers just sit at home? Is it our fault that people think we eat bon bons all day and watch soap operas?
I can't decide honestly if I contribute to this nonsense or try and debunk it. As a stay at home mother (maybe by choice, partially by fear of doing anything else at this point) I find that my job is not one that is respected. I just can't decide if stay at home moms have made that ridiculous stereotype or if it is something society perpetuates.
As hard as it is for me to admit, I know there have been times when asked that I have said "I am just a mom." In my soul I know I don't believe that, but I tell myself that the "real" answer to the question of what I do for a living is too difficult to say. The truth...I honestly believe that the real reason I don't tell people what I actually do all day long is because I don't want people thinking I am just trying to come up with things to make it sound like I don't sit around and eat bon bons and watch soap operas. But this is my issue and my problem that I put on other people...thus the same circular issue...is it me who perpetuates the lie or is it society?
I guess the answer to me is a little bit of both. People have no idea what mothers do all day long unless they have been in our shoes so they should shut the hell up about it. As far as mothers go, we need to learn to be more confident in the work we do whether we get paid for it or not.
As for me, I guess it's time I learn to be ok with saying, "I stay at home with my children. I am the PTA President at their elementary school. I manage dozens if not nearly 100 volunteers in the 3 nationwide non-profit organizations I volunteer for. I am currently writing 3 books. I have my own blog. I manage a household of 5 people and do it pretty damn well. What do you do for a living?"
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
My kids are smarter than I am
I know what you are thinking...OF COURSE I think my kids are smart. It's like the ugly kid rule...if your kid is ugly you probably don't know it right because you love your kids no matter what. Well, my kids really ARE smarter than me and not in a good way...not good for my ego anyway.
I remember the first time I saw Jeff Foxworthy on that show "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader" and I thought of course I am. I should be right? Theoretically I have a college degree so by default I should be smarter than a 5th grader. I went all the way through 16th grade for crying out loud.
Well this past year as I had my first 5th grader I realized I am definitely NOT smarter than a 5th grader. As a matter of fact I think I'm not smarter than my now 4th grader either. I think my 1st grader may be smarter than me too!
The worst part about being a grown up is we lose our desire to be truly curious about what is around us. We take for granted the things we have seen and think we really do know it all because we have been there. No wonder our kids ignore us when we talk to them. I would ignore me too!
After I swallowed my pride when I could no longer help my 10 year old with her math homework, realized the rainforest knowledge my 9 year old has far exceeds my understanding of the plants in my own yard, and my 6 year old's ability to count numbers by 8 made me pause for a second to tell him he was correct I realized something...it's not that my kids are truly smarter than I am, they just pay attention more than I do.
Well holy giant light bulb moment. As a mother I am WAY too busy NOT paying attention. If we really just took 5 minutes every day to learn something new...see something we have seen before in a different light...LISTEN to our children, we too would open the whole world up to ourselves.
I say to my kids all the time that life is short. We only have so much time to experience things and learn things so do them now when you have the chance. Be happy being a kid. Well why don't we as mothers say that same thing to ourselves? There is no reason why I can't look at myself in the mirror every morning and say "today I am going to learn something new. I am going to have fun, enjoy the things that come my way, and be open to all the possibilities."
Why is it okay for us to give our children the message of living life to its fullest but we don't think we are deserving of it?
I remember the first time I saw Jeff Foxworthy on that show "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader" and I thought of course I am. I should be right? Theoretically I have a college degree so by default I should be smarter than a 5th grader. I went all the way through 16th grade for crying out loud.
Well this past year as I had my first 5th grader I realized I am definitely NOT smarter than a 5th grader. As a matter of fact I think I'm not smarter than my now 4th grader either. I think my 1st grader may be smarter than me too!
The worst part about being a grown up is we lose our desire to be truly curious about what is around us. We take for granted the things we have seen and think we really do know it all because we have been there. No wonder our kids ignore us when we talk to them. I would ignore me too!
After I swallowed my pride when I could no longer help my 10 year old with her math homework, realized the rainforest knowledge my 9 year old has far exceeds my understanding of the plants in my own yard, and my 6 year old's ability to count numbers by 8 made me pause for a second to tell him he was correct I realized something...it's not that my kids are truly smarter than I am, they just pay attention more than I do.
Well holy giant light bulb moment. As a mother I am WAY too busy NOT paying attention. If we really just took 5 minutes every day to learn something new...see something we have seen before in a different light...LISTEN to our children, we too would open the whole world up to ourselves.
I say to my kids all the time that life is short. We only have so much time to experience things and learn things so do them now when you have the chance. Be happy being a kid. Well why don't we as mothers say that same thing to ourselves? There is no reason why I can't look at myself in the mirror every morning and say "today I am going to learn something new. I am going to have fun, enjoy the things that come my way, and be open to all the possibilities."
Why is it okay for us to give our children the message of living life to its fullest but we don't think we are deserving of it?
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
The hardest part of being a parent is other kids parents
I have stayed fairly consistent over time in my belief that the hardest part about being a parent is other peoples parenting. If anything, my agreement with this statement has only grown as my kids have grown and I have been "forced" to have to deal with other peoples parenting choices more frequently.
Now I want to make it clear that I do the best I can to not judge other peoples parenting choices. My annoyance with the things they say and do to their own children has no correlation with a perceived judgement that they should or shouldn't be doing it. I simply despise that the choices they make force me to alter my interactions with my children. I'm certain other mothers feel that way about me too.
As a parent you are allowed to expose your children to what you deem appropriate. You are allowed to discipline how you see fit. You are allowed to give or not give anything and everything to your children. You can do what YOU want relating to YOUR children.
Well as the kids get older and they venture away from your house and into others homes or others voices at school they are instantly exposed to an entire world of things they have never heard or seen before. Of course this is life. As we grow we see new things and learn new things every day. But when you are a child, it is your parents responsibility to expose you to those things when they feel you are ready (although obviously not always possible). Truthfully I just really hate that I have to have conversations with my kid about little Billy's obsession with condoms because his parents thought it was cool to let him play with theirs (yes this really happened).
It is a strange and annoying adjustment to realize that you have crossed into a place in your relationship with your children where you seemingly spend more time answering their questions about things they heard or saw with one of their peers than you do learning about their unique thoughts and perceptions of the world around them.
I think as moms the best thing we can do is stay open and honest with our children when they have questions about something they heard, and most importantly, don't overreact. This is the one I struggle with the most. As my children get older I am consciously aware that my reaction to what they say shapes whether they feel they can be honest with me about things they are curious about. Although they are frequently asking me things that I just wouldn't have exposed them to yet, I try to be accepting of their thoughts, share with them my honest answers in a way that still feels age appropriate to me, and just hope for the best.
I have NO desire to be my kids friend. I am their parent. But I do desire for them to feel as though they can trust me with questions and situations they know I might not like. Their friends will lie to them. Their friends will give them really bad advice. It terrifies me to think of the day when they hear something from their friend and they don't ask me about it. So for now, although I am SUPER annoyed that other parents choices change my relationship with my kids, I try to use it as a learning opportunity for me and my kids and a chance for us to grow some trust that they can really tell me anything. I won't always like it, but I will always be there.
Now I want to make it clear that I do the best I can to not judge other peoples parenting choices. My annoyance with the things they say and do to their own children has no correlation with a perceived judgement that they should or shouldn't be doing it. I simply despise that the choices they make force me to alter my interactions with my children. I'm certain other mothers feel that way about me too.
As a parent you are allowed to expose your children to what you deem appropriate. You are allowed to discipline how you see fit. You are allowed to give or not give anything and everything to your children. You can do what YOU want relating to YOUR children.
Well as the kids get older and they venture away from your house and into others homes or others voices at school they are instantly exposed to an entire world of things they have never heard or seen before. Of course this is life. As we grow we see new things and learn new things every day. But when you are a child, it is your parents responsibility to expose you to those things when they feel you are ready (although obviously not always possible). Truthfully I just really hate that I have to have conversations with my kid about little Billy's obsession with condoms because his parents thought it was cool to let him play with theirs (yes this really happened).
It is a strange and annoying adjustment to realize that you have crossed into a place in your relationship with your children where you seemingly spend more time answering their questions about things they heard or saw with one of their peers than you do learning about their unique thoughts and perceptions of the world around them.
I think as moms the best thing we can do is stay open and honest with our children when they have questions about something they heard, and most importantly, don't overreact. This is the one I struggle with the most. As my children get older I am consciously aware that my reaction to what they say shapes whether they feel they can be honest with me about things they are curious about. Although they are frequently asking me things that I just wouldn't have exposed them to yet, I try to be accepting of their thoughts, share with them my honest answers in a way that still feels age appropriate to me, and just hope for the best.
I have NO desire to be my kids friend. I am their parent. But I do desire for them to feel as though they can trust me with questions and situations they know I might not like. Their friends will lie to them. Their friends will give them really bad advice. It terrifies me to think of the day when they hear something from their friend and they don't ask me about it. So for now, although I am SUPER annoyed that other parents choices change my relationship with my kids, I try to use it as a learning opportunity for me and my kids and a chance for us to grow some trust that they can really tell me anything. I won't always like it, but I will always be there.
Monday, July 9, 2012
What the...girl hormones
I feel like I may do one of these once a week. Like a traditional weekly post you can look forward to. My "what the hell, are you freaking serious, you've got to be kidding me" post that really just makes you either laugh, cry, or just plain feel sorry for me.
This weeks moment is sponsored by little girl hormones. As usual for me I was totally unprepared for when girl hormones kicked it. In my blissful ignorance I believed I had until the teenage years...you know like 13. Well obviously that didn't happen. It actually started when my now 10 year old turned 9. It was like a magical switch of insanity turned on inside of her adorable blonde head and she instantly grew horns and became illogical and frankly kind of stupid.
The problem I have isn't necessarily the outbursts themselves. Don't get me wrong they are jarring at best, but truthfully the main issue is the utter randomness. I never have any warning. I mean when a tornado comes a giant siren goes off. Where is my hormone siren, or severe hormone update sent directly to my phone to prepare me for what is about to happen? Now that's an app you can take straight to the bank.
So back to today's "what the..." moment. I'm having a conversation with my oldest daughter about the way her new room should look. Where the bed should go, which wall should the desk be placed on? You know, seemingly simple and non-emotional topics. Oh boy was I wrong. I made the "mistake" of suggesting that she place her desk on a certain wall to provide her the right kind of spacing for her science area and she immediately burst into tears. Apparently the suggestion of her desk location meant that I didn't at all understand what was important to her because if I did then of course I would know that her desk must be located near where her bed is so that she can place her books on it "at my leisure." YES she actually said "at my leisure."
So then once she stopped hysterically crying she put her hands on her hips, looked directly at me and said, "You don't understand me at all" (you're right I don't) "and you have NO feelings" (like I've never heard that one before).
It's gonna be a LONG road to 18 years old. 7+ years and counting...
This weeks moment is sponsored by little girl hormones. As usual for me I was totally unprepared for when girl hormones kicked it. In my blissful ignorance I believed I had until the teenage years...you know like 13. Well obviously that didn't happen. It actually started when my now 10 year old turned 9. It was like a magical switch of insanity turned on inside of her adorable blonde head and she instantly grew horns and became illogical and frankly kind of stupid.
The problem I have isn't necessarily the outbursts themselves. Don't get me wrong they are jarring at best, but truthfully the main issue is the utter randomness. I never have any warning. I mean when a tornado comes a giant siren goes off. Where is my hormone siren, or severe hormone update sent directly to my phone to prepare me for what is about to happen? Now that's an app you can take straight to the bank.
So back to today's "what the..." moment. I'm having a conversation with my oldest daughter about the way her new room should look. Where the bed should go, which wall should the desk be placed on? You know, seemingly simple and non-emotional topics. Oh boy was I wrong. I made the "mistake" of suggesting that she place her desk on a certain wall to provide her the right kind of spacing for her science area and she immediately burst into tears. Apparently the suggestion of her desk location meant that I didn't at all understand what was important to her because if I did then of course I would know that her desk must be located near where her bed is so that she can place her books on it "at my leisure." YES she actually said "at my leisure."
So then once she stopped hysterically crying she put her hands on her hips, looked directly at me and said, "You don't understand me at all" (you're right I don't) "and you have NO feelings" (like I've never heard that one before).
It's gonna be a LONG road to 18 years old. 7+ years and counting...
I love every other minute...
I remember the first time I went to a moms support group. I lived in CA at the time and I had two girls under the age of 2. None of my friends were married or had kids and I was desperate to find support and connection with other mothers who shared the same thoughts and feelings I was experiencing.
I brought my children to the park play date that was happening and as us moms stood around and chatted about life, I remember thinking I shared absolutely nothing in common with these women. They were talking about how happy their lives were and how they "loved every single minute of being a mom." What? Every single minute? Was I crazy then? I didn't love every single minute. At 2:00am when I was alone in the dark, crying because I couldn't get my baby to stop crying I wasn't loving being a mom. When I was at home all day having no adult conversation or interaction of any kind I wasn't loving being a mom. When I walked into my daughters room to find poop smeared all over the walls I wasn't loving being a mom.
It was in that moment I realized the unspoken rule between mothers; it is not okay to complain out loud about the "bad" parts of being a parent. This realization saddened me. I didn't see anything wrong with talking openly about the struggles, but the mere mention of hard times from my mouth got gasps from the other moms. I made no connection between my complaints and a lack of love for my children but that was certainly the connection the other mothers seemed to make.
I went home from that play date feeling sad and alone in my mothering struggles until that evening when I received an email. One of the moms from the play date sent me a message that simply said she agreed with me that being a mom was hard and that she thought it was cool that I was willing to say out loud that "I loved every OTHER minute of being a mom." Hmm? If she felt that way why didn't she back my play in front of the other moms?
Peer pressure really is a fascinating thing and watching it in action with adults is even more interesting. Moms want so badly to be accepted and fit in so they are often willing to sacrifice their feelings in one aspect to be emotionally acknowledged in another. For me it is an ongoing struggle to find other women who are willing to be honest about what really goes on in motherhood. I have found some though, many actually, and it's not like all we do is sit around and complain about how awful our lives are...but it is nice to feel like you aren't crazy because you wanted to lock your kids in the closet today, or lock yourself in there for that matter.
For me being a mother is amazing and awful, it just depends on the day. I love my kids and watching them grow and change is the joy of my life, but it isn't my entire life. Admitting that things are hard sometimes and that I need alternate activities for myself to keep my sanity isn't a weakness in my mind. I am allowed to want to be something besides "just" a mom, but that is a post for another day.
This minute my kids are amazing, creative, smart, funny, etc. A minute from now they might be back talking, rude, disrespectful, annoying, and in time out. Enjoy the minute of wonder, learn from the minute of hell, and if anyone asks it really is okay to say you love every OTHER minute of being a mom.
I brought my children to the park play date that was happening and as us moms stood around and chatted about life, I remember thinking I shared absolutely nothing in common with these women. They were talking about how happy their lives were and how they "loved every single minute of being a mom." What? Every single minute? Was I crazy then? I didn't love every single minute. At 2:00am when I was alone in the dark, crying because I couldn't get my baby to stop crying I wasn't loving being a mom. When I was at home all day having no adult conversation or interaction of any kind I wasn't loving being a mom. When I walked into my daughters room to find poop smeared all over the walls I wasn't loving being a mom.
It was in that moment I realized the unspoken rule between mothers; it is not okay to complain out loud about the "bad" parts of being a parent. This realization saddened me. I didn't see anything wrong with talking openly about the struggles, but the mere mention of hard times from my mouth got gasps from the other moms. I made no connection between my complaints and a lack of love for my children but that was certainly the connection the other mothers seemed to make.
I went home from that play date feeling sad and alone in my mothering struggles until that evening when I received an email. One of the moms from the play date sent me a message that simply said she agreed with me that being a mom was hard and that she thought it was cool that I was willing to say out loud that "I loved every OTHER minute of being a mom." Hmm? If she felt that way why didn't she back my play in front of the other moms?
Peer pressure really is a fascinating thing and watching it in action with adults is even more interesting. Moms want so badly to be accepted and fit in so they are often willing to sacrifice their feelings in one aspect to be emotionally acknowledged in another. For me it is an ongoing struggle to find other women who are willing to be honest about what really goes on in motherhood. I have found some though, many actually, and it's not like all we do is sit around and complain about how awful our lives are...but it is nice to feel like you aren't crazy because you wanted to lock your kids in the closet today, or lock yourself in there for that matter.
For me being a mother is amazing and awful, it just depends on the day. I love my kids and watching them grow and change is the joy of my life, but it isn't my entire life. Admitting that things are hard sometimes and that I need alternate activities for myself to keep my sanity isn't a weakness in my mind. I am allowed to want to be something besides "just" a mom, but that is a post for another day.
This minute my kids are amazing, creative, smart, funny, etc. A minute from now they might be back talking, rude, disrespectful, annoying, and in time out. Enjoy the minute of wonder, learn from the minute of hell, and if anyone asks it really is okay to say you love every OTHER minute of being a mom.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)