I know what you're thinking...obviously if your kids were stupid (alright I probably shouldn't say stupid...how about not so smart) it wouldn't necessarily be cheaper, but my intention with this post was just to vent that this was not something I was prepared for when I had children.
As you have seen with my previous post about my kids being smarter than I am already, I am sure you are noticing a theme; I am not the most prepared mother in terms of expectations related to my children. I am unsure of whether or not it is a good thing that I don't have ridiculous expectations of what my children will be like, but nonetheless I was grossly unprepared for how expensive it would be to supply children with the things they need to keep "growing dendrites" as my 10 year old likes to say.
Sure if my kids wanted video games or lots of new clothes that would be expensive as well, but it is easy as a parent to say no to frivolous wants. Part of teaching your children the lessons of life involve teaching them that they can't have everything they want. Money doesn't grow on trees, blah blah blah. I don't want to raise entitled children who think that anything they want they can have. But when your child asks you for books, or scale models of the solar system, or even a giant poster of the periodic table of elements you pause and rethink your previously established rule of saying no to pretty much everything they ask for.
How do you say no to things that make them grow and thrive? It's the million dollar question!
While I ponder an answer I guess I will go poor supplying my kids with things that grow their dendrites and hope eventually it pays off with college scholarships, great jobs, or really just happy, healthy, NOT stupid children. God please NO stupid children...that can't be too much to ask for right?
Monday, July 30, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
The Things We Do for Our Kids
I can't totally put my finger on it, but this statement really, really bugs me. As a parent you signed up to take care of your children...which means providing for them their basic necessities and of course emotional needs as well. If you have a child then you don't get to throw in their face the "things I do for you." You're SUPPOSED to do those things. If you choose to do more than the basic things you agreed to when you chose to have a child then you still don't get to point out to them all you do...you made a choice to give them those things as well.
Your children don't choose you. They don't get to choose how you raise them. They don't really get a choice about the things you provide for them. Ultimately, all those things are your choices.
Do I think as a parent you can be frustrated with your kids unwillingness to be grateful for the things they have in their life? Yes, but I definitely don't think you get to guilt trip them about all they have.
My kids are endlessly frustrating to me in the ungrateful department. My kids favorite saying most days is "that's not fair." So do I get frustrated with the fact that they don't totally comprehend how blessed they are in their life? Yes, but I try to not to say to them "here's all I do for you, blah blah blah. Aren't you lucky?" I definitely struggle with not guilt-tripping them about it, but I make a conscious effort to try not to.
Truthfully, are kids really even capable of seeing how blessed they are? They know no life other than the one I have given them and even when exposed to how different others lives are, I still don't think they truly comprehend it. Do my kids know there are starving kids in the world or even kids in their own neighborhood who share one room in a small home with their whole family? Of course, but that doesn't stop my kids from whining about what I gave them for dinner and not eating it, and thinking their own bedroom just "isn't all I hoped it would be" (whatever that means). I honestly don't think my kids will ever really be grateful for the life they have until they have to take care of themselves completely and potentially not until they have to take care of another human being.
I don't think pointing out all they have or all I do for them does any good. On the contrary I actually think it teaches them to resent me. So while I will be internally annoyed about how ungrateful my kids are, I will keep it inside....well, I will probably point out the need for being thankful in life but I won't give them a laundry list of all those things...hopefully...here's to trying anyway.
Your children don't choose you. They don't get to choose how you raise them. They don't really get a choice about the things you provide for them. Ultimately, all those things are your choices.
Do I think as a parent you can be frustrated with your kids unwillingness to be grateful for the things they have in their life? Yes, but I definitely don't think you get to guilt trip them about all they have.
My kids are endlessly frustrating to me in the ungrateful department. My kids favorite saying most days is "that's not fair." So do I get frustrated with the fact that they don't totally comprehend how blessed they are in their life? Yes, but I try to not to say to them "here's all I do for you, blah blah blah. Aren't you lucky?" I definitely struggle with not guilt-tripping them about it, but I make a conscious effort to try not to.
Truthfully, are kids really even capable of seeing how blessed they are? They know no life other than the one I have given them and even when exposed to how different others lives are, I still don't think they truly comprehend it. Do my kids know there are starving kids in the world or even kids in their own neighborhood who share one room in a small home with their whole family? Of course, but that doesn't stop my kids from whining about what I gave them for dinner and not eating it, and thinking their own bedroom just "isn't all I hoped it would be" (whatever that means). I honestly don't think my kids will ever really be grateful for the life they have until they have to take care of themselves completely and potentially not until they have to take care of another human being.
I don't think pointing out all they have or all I do for them does any good. On the contrary I actually think it teaches them to resent me. So while I will be internally annoyed about how ungrateful my kids are, I will keep it inside....well, I will probably point out the need for being thankful in life but I won't give them a laundry list of all those things...hopefully...here's to trying anyway.
Friday, July 27, 2012
The One-Upper Mother
Yep we have all met her. The mom who is AMAZING at absolutely EVERYTHING. Her marriage is perfect...her kids are always well mannered and dressed exactly as they should be, braids/fancy hair bows and all...her house is immaculate...her kids are geniuses and of course the best in their class and at ALL the sports they do.
My only question is, would I rather be honest or live a life of delusion as the one-upper mother does?
I can see how a life of delusion could be cool. If you say something to yourself often enough you just might believe it right?. Maybe if I lived a life of delusion about my children and my marriage I might not want to poke my eyes with hot needles on a daily basis. Maybe if I told myself that I was always doing everything in my life correctly and always had the appropriate response in every situation with my kids I might feel better about the job I do. Maybe if my kids always looked perfect and you could eat off the floor in my kitchen I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I was one kick-ass mother!
And yet, if this life of delusion were really my "reality" I can't help but think that at night, alone in my bed in the dark I would have a moment where I would say to myself, geez Jaime, you are so full of s**t! At least I hope I would call myself out on it.
Who really wants to be so dishonest with themselves. We all have moments where we embellish our reality or stretch the truth about what really happens in our lives to other people: that's human nature I suppose. But I would rather tell you my house looks like crap, today I wanted to murder my husband, and I put all my kids things in garbage bags because they wouldn't clean their rooms, then pretend that all things are great all the time.
What a truly sad and lonely life it must be to be perfect and amazing ALL THE TIME!
My only question is, would I rather be honest or live a life of delusion as the one-upper mother does?
I can see how a life of delusion could be cool. If you say something to yourself often enough you just might believe it right?. Maybe if I lived a life of delusion about my children and my marriage I might not want to poke my eyes with hot needles on a daily basis. Maybe if I told myself that I was always doing everything in my life correctly and always had the appropriate response in every situation with my kids I might feel better about the job I do. Maybe if my kids always looked perfect and you could eat off the floor in my kitchen I would be able to look at myself in the mirror and know that I was one kick-ass mother!
And yet, if this life of delusion were really my "reality" I can't help but think that at night, alone in my bed in the dark I would have a moment where I would say to myself, geez Jaime, you are so full of s**t! At least I hope I would call myself out on it.
Who really wants to be so dishonest with themselves. We all have moments where we embellish our reality or stretch the truth about what really happens in our lives to other people: that's human nature I suppose. But I would rather tell you my house looks like crap, today I wanted to murder my husband, and I put all my kids things in garbage bags because they wouldn't clean their rooms, then pretend that all things are great all the time.
What a truly sad and lonely life it must be to be perfect and amazing ALL THE TIME!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Patience
The question of the hour...when you are a mother, are you truly even capable of being patient?
Today I went to a friends house so she and I could have a play date and the kids of course could have one too. On our way out the door I texted her and asked if she needed anything. Her response..."No, just patience." My response..."Well then I'm screwed!" And the truth is, I am TOTALLY screwed.
Before I had my first child I thought maybe I would be capable of listening, understanding, accepting my children for their faults. Reality...I am capable of NONE of those things. Some people are surely built to be mothers and are ingrained with more understanding and more patience in general. Those mothers STILL aren't always patient. My pet peeve...when mothers pretend they are ALWAYS patient.
Kids are stupid...I'm pretty sure that's their job actually. Stupidity which turns into parental testing, which hopefully in a circular way turns into a life lesson when all is said and done (hopefully being the operative word).
Weekly (ok I am being generous...daily) I have a moment with my kids where I say to myself "yep they are gonna tell their therapist someday about this one." I guess I have decided that in it's own strange way the things they tell their therapist someday are opportunities for learning...for both them and I.
Patience is a virtue as my mother said, and although I frequently sing the patience song to my children (you know...have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry...when you get impatient you only start to worry...blah blah blah) it would do me some good to listen sometimes and heed my own advice. But since patience and stubbornness don't really go together, I'm gonna have to put it on the list for a future conversation with my own therapist.
Inappropriate to save for therapy for my kids instead of college? Hmm....
Today I went to a friends house so she and I could have a play date and the kids of course could have one too. On our way out the door I texted her and asked if she needed anything. Her response..."No, just patience." My response..."Well then I'm screwed!" And the truth is, I am TOTALLY screwed.
Before I had my first child I thought maybe I would be capable of listening, understanding, accepting my children for their faults. Reality...I am capable of NONE of those things. Some people are surely built to be mothers and are ingrained with more understanding and more patience in general. Those mothers STILL aren't always patient. My pet peeve...when mothers pretend they are ALWAYS patient.
Kids are stupid...I'm pretty sure that's their job actually. Stupidity which turns into parental testing, which hopefully in a circular way turns into a life lesson when all is said and done (hopefully being the operative word).
Weekly (ok I am being generous...daily) I have a moment with my kids where I say to myself "yep they are gonna tell their therapist someday about this one." I guess I have decided that in it's own strange way the things they tell their therapist someday are opportunities for learning...for both them and I.
Patience is a virtue as my mother said, and although I frequently sing the patience song to my children (you know...have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry...when you get impatient you only start to worry...blah blah blah) it would do me some good to listen sometimes and heed my own advice. But since patience and stubbornness don't really go together, I'm gonna have to put it on the list for a future conversation with my own therapist.
Inappropriate to save for therapy for my kids instead of college? Hmm....
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
What the...flush
I can't possibly be the only parent in the world who still has to tell her 9 year old to flush the toilet right? I can't possibly be the only parent in the world who thinks that is TOTALLY gross and that at some point my kids SHOULD be old enough to flush the toilet without asking right?
Gosh I hope I'm not the only one!
Why is it that seemingly simple tasks like remembering to flush the toilet totally escape my children? It just blows my mind that the smell alone doesn't prompt them into flushing simply so they don't want to gag every time they enter their own bathroom.
Before you go there that my 9 year old must be a boy and boys are gross...you'd be wrong. It's a girl, and she is just as gross as my little boy, maybe even worse in some ways.
I am totally terrified for true teenage years when my kids really smell, are legitimately dirty and I can no longer FORCE them to shower, and conversations about laundry and hair brushing turn into hats over tangled/greasy hair and inside out underwear wearing.
No wonder deodorant and AXE body spray are so popular. Maybe I should start a line specifically for moms to give to their children called STOP GROSSING ME OUT! I mean seriously?!?
Gosh I hope I'm not the only one!
Why is it that seemingly simple tasks like remembering to flush the toilet totally escape my children? It just blows my mind that the smell alone doesn't prompt them into flushing simply so they don't want to gag every time they enter their own bathroom.
Before you go there that my 9 year old must be a boy and boys are gross...you'd be wrong. It's a girl, and she is just as gross as my little boy, maybe even worse in some ways.
I am totally terrified for true teenage years when my kids really smell, are legitimately dirty and I can no longer FORCE them to shower, and conversations about laundry and hair brushing turn into hats over tangled/greasy hair and inside out underwear wearing.
No wonder deodorant and AXE body spray are so popular. Maybe I should start a line specifically for moms to give to their children called STOP GROSSING ME OUT! I mean seriously?!?
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Bon bons and soap operas
I remember like it was yesterday the first work party I went to with
my husband. We had maybe been married a year but when you attend things
like this where you don't know anyone it is common to ask generic
questions...you know like "what do you do for a living?" WOW what a
question! It seems so simple and obvious but for the first time I had to
think about. What is my job? Am I a stay at home mom? Am I a part time
working mother who runs a scrapbook store but really only "works" 4 days
a week outside of the home? I don't know! What do I say? My simple
response and his seemingly simple answer would change my life..."I stay
at home with my child." "Oh you're just a mom. Well that's wonderful.
I wish I could spend all day at home eating bon bons and watching soap
operas." Spend all day at home doing what? Um that's not how I would
describe my average day.
I guess the part that frustrates me the most about my memory of that moment is that I didn't do something else. My initial response was shock honestly but I wish I would have validated what I did...not that that jerk off would care anyway...not the point though.
So, why is it that people think mothers just sit at home? Is it our fault that people think we eat bon bons all day and watch soap operas?
I can't decide honestly if I contribute to this nonsense or try and debunk it. As a stay at home mother (maybe by choice, partially by fear of doing anything else at this point) I find that my job is not one that is respected. I just can't decide if stay at home moms have made that ridiculous stereotype or if it is something society perpetuates.
As hard as it is for me to admit, I know there have been times when asked that I have said "I am just a mom." In my soul I know I don't believe that, but I tell myself that the "real" answer to the question of what I do for a living is too difficult to say. The truth...I honestly believe that the real reason I don't tell people what I actually do all day long is because I don't want people thinking I am just trying to come up with things to make it sound like I don't sit around and eat bon bons and watch soap operas. But this is my issue and my problem that I put on other people...thus the same circular issue...is it me who perpetuates the lie or is it society?
I guess the answer to me is a little bit of both. People have no idea what mothers do all day long unless they have been in our shoes so they should shut the hell up about it. As far as mothers go, we need to learn to be more confident in the work we do whether we get paid for it or not.
As for me, I guess it's time I learn to be ok with saying, "I stay at home with my children. I am the PTA President at their elementary school. I manage dozens if not nearly 100 volunteers in the 3 nationwide non-profit organizations I volunteer for. I am currently writing 3 books. I have my own blog. I manage a household of 5 people and do it pretty damn well. What do you do for a living?"
I guess the part that frustrates me the most about my memory of that moment is that I didn't do something else. My initial response was shock honestly but I wish I would have validated what I did...not that that jerk off would care anyway...not the point though.
So, why is it that people think mothers just sit at home? Is it our fault that people think we eat bon bons all day and watch soap operas?
I can't decide honestly if I contribute to this nonsense or try and debunk it. As a stay at home mother (maybe by choice, partially by fear of doing anything else at this point) I find that my job is not one that is respected. I just can't decide if stay at home moms have made that ridiculous stereotype or if it is something society perpetuates.
As hard as it is for me to admit, I know there have been times when asked that I have said "I am just a mom." In my soul I know I don't believe that, but I tell myself that the "real" answer to the question of what I do for a living is too difficult to say. The truth...I honestly believe that the real reason I don't tell people what I actually do all day long is because I don't want people thinking I am just trying to come up with things to make it sound like I don't sit around and eat bon bons and watch soap operas. But this is my issue and my problem that I put on other people...thus the same circular issue...is it me who perpetuates the lie or is it society?
I guess the answer to me is a little bit of both. People have no idea what mothers do all day long unless they have been in our shoes so they should shut the hell up about it. As far as mothers go, we need to learn to be more confident in the work we do whether we get paid for it or not.
As for me, I guess it's time I learn to be ok with saying, "I stay at home with my children. I am the PTA President at their elementary school. I manage dozens if not nearly 100 volunteers in the 3 nationwide non-profit organizations I volunteer for. I am currently writing 3 books. I have my own blog. I manage a household of 5 people and do it pretty damn well. What do you do for a living?"
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
My kids are smarter than I am
I know what you are thinking...OF COURSE I think my kids are smart. It's like the ugly kid rule...if your kid is ugly you probably don't know it right because you love your kids no matter what. Well, my kids really ARE smarter than me and not in a good way...not good for my ego anyway.
I remember the first time I saw Jeff Foxworthy on that show "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader" and I thought of course I am. I should be right? Theoretically I have a college degree so by default I should be smarter than a 5th grader. I went all the way through 16th grade for crying out loud.
Well this past year as I had my first 5th grader I realized I am definitely NOT smarter than a 5th grader. As a matter of fact I think I'm not smarter than my now 4th grader either. I think my 1st grader may be smarter than me too!
The worst part about being a grown up is we lose our desire to be truly curious about what is around us. We take for granted the things we have seen and think we really do know it all because we have been there. No wonder our kids ignore us when we talk to them. I would ignore me too!
After I swallowed my pride when I could no longer help my 10 year old with her math homework, realized the rainforest knowledge my 9 year old has far exceeds my understanding of the plants in my own yard, and my 6 year old's ability to count numbers by 8 made me pause for a second to tell him he was correct I realized something...it's not that my kids are truly smarter than I am, they just pay attention more than I do.
Well holy giant light bulb moment. As a mother I am WAY too busy NOT paying attention. If we really just took 5 minutes every day to learn something new...see something we have seen before in a different light...LISTEN to our children, we too would open the whole world up to ourselves.
I say to my kids all the time that life is short. We only have so much time to experience things and learn things so do them now when you have the chance. Be happy being a kid. Well why don't we as mothers say that same thing to ourselves? There is no reason why I can't look at myself in the mirror every morning and say "today I am going to learn something new. I am going to have fun, enjoy the things that come my way, and be open to all the possibilities."
Why is it okay for us to give our children the message of living life to its fullest but we don't think we are deserving of it?
I remember the first time I saw Jeff Foxworthy on that show "Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader" and I thought of course I am. I should be right? Theoretically I have a college degree so by default I should be smarter than a 5th grader. I went all the way through 16th grade for crying out loud.
Well this past year as I had my first 5th grader I realized I am definitely NOT smarter than a 5th grader. As a matter of fact I think I'm not smarter than my now 4th grader either. I think my 1st grader may be smarter than me too!
The worst part about being a grown up is we lose our desire to be truly curious about what is around us. We take for granted the things we have seen and think we really do know it all because we have been there. No wonder our kids ignore us when we talk to them. I would ignore me too!
After I swallowed my pride when I could no longer help my 10 year old with her math homework, realized the rainforest knowledge my 9 year old has far exceeds my understanding of the plants in my own yard, and my 6 year old's ability to count numbers by 8 made me pause for a second to tell him he was correct I realized something...it's not that my kids are truly smarter than I am, they just pay attention more than I do.
Well holy giant light bulb moment. As a mother I am WAY too busy NOT paying attention. If we really just took 5 minutes every day to learn something new...see something we have seen before in a different light...LISTEN to our children, we too would open the whole world up to ourselves.
I say to my kids all the time that life is short. We only have so much time to experience things and learn things so do them now when you have the chance. Be happy being a kid. Well why don't we as mothers say that same thing to ourselves? There is no reason why I can't look at myself in the mirror every morning and say "today I am going to learn something new. I am going to have fun, enjoy the things that come my way, and be open to all the possibilities."
Why is it okay for us to give our children the message of living life to its fullest but we don't think we are deserving of it?
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