If that thing falls out one more time I'm going to glue it to your face

Oh the joys of having new babies.

While there are certainly many wonderful things about having adorable, cute, cuddly, sweet smelling, smiling babies...none of those things are wonderful at 3:00 in the morning.

I lived and died by two things when my kids were babies...their swing and their moo moo (you may call it a paci, soother, binky, etc). Without those two things I truly may have lost my mind. When neither of those things worked or for example they wouldn't keep their moo moo in their mouth especially in the middle of the night I found myself having unreasonable thoughts like, "if that thing falls out of your mouth one more time I'm going to glue it to your face." And in conversations with other mothers, especially a great friend who just had a baby, I realized that many moms feel this way.

I think as our children get older we become less sympathetic to the life of the new mother. Mothers with new babies have it rough. In our "older kid" life we forget how unbelievably hard it was when our children were incapable of doing anything for themselves. How honestly sad and lonely that life was. We lived and died by the needs of our children and oh my God how rough was that? Ridiculously!

I place no judgement on the choices new moms make with their children. Ok, I try hard not to place judgement. I think you have to do what is right for your child but sometimes, it's impossible to figure out what that really is because no one around you will let you form your own opinion. They all have an idea of the "right" way to parent; Which doesn't exist BTW.

The best advice I can give a new mom is fuck 'em honestly. Sorry to be so frank but I kind of think that's what people like about the way I say things; honestly and straight forward. You can't please everyone. You shouldn't even try. The best thing you can do is please yourself and make choices for your life and your baby that make you happy.

You will never make anyone else happy. People suck. Even when you give them what they want, they will change their mind. Be true to yourself. That baby wants to do what you want it to do. You are a confident, capable, amazing woman. You carried that baby for 10 months in your stomach. You birthed that baby.

You can do it! I promise you can. Don't you dare let anyone tell you that you can't.

You don't "babysit" your own kids

What the hell is up with guys? Almost nothing irritates me more than when I hear a man say he is "babysitting his kids." You don't babysit your own children for crying out loud.

Why is it a mothers job to take care of the kids, but if the dad is taking care of them it is considered babysitting? Babysitting refers to something temporary. Kids are not temporary. We were both there to make the kid, we are both equally responsible for taking care of it.

Initially I mistakenly thought this was a stay at home mother issue but I find it equally common for the spouses of working moms to make the same babysitting proclamation. So honestly what's up with that? Can you imagine a mother saying to her friends that she's only babysitting the kids today? What does that even mean?

As I started to think about it I wondered if this whole babysitting thing is something we mothers perpetuate ourselves. Is there something that we are doing that allows our significant other to believe that he isn't as responsible for our children as we are? The harsh answer: Yes.

While my husband wouldn't dare use that word I do believe I have this issue in my own home and that I created it myself honestly. Being the control freak that I am (even if unintentionally), I put off a vibe that I am more capable of taking care of them than he is. When our children were younger I was certainly more of a nag. I had a perceived idea of what a parent "should" do and how they "should" play with their kids, feed them, etc. So if he didn't do it that way then I let him off the hook in the responsibilities and justified it to myself because I was doing what our kids needed. Thus creating an environment where it appears that he is only temporarily responsible for them and only when I need him to be.

So, how do we mothers solve this issue?  For starters, we stop criticizing our partner about the way they parent. My husband said something so profound to me when our oldest daughter was about 3 that it snapped me out of my unrealistic expectations of him. He said "you aren't allowed to tell me how to parent my child. I'm allowed to establish the kind of relationship I want with my children without you telling me how to do that. You don't get to decide how I bond." Wow! He's so right. I don't get to tell him. I would be pretty pissed honestly if he did the same thing to me.

Does it still frustrate me that he isn't as engaged as I perceive he should be? Yes. Does it totally annoy me that sometimes he thinks playing with the kids is reading while they play a game next to him? Absolutely. But our children adore him. They think he is a rock star. So if they can let him parent how he wants to then I absolutely should; within reason of course ;).

Parenting is a partnership and if we mothers make our partner feel inferior in the process than of course they are going to perceive their role as less than too. While it's hard to admit that the problem starts with us, sometimes it does, and realizing it is the first step to making it better for everybody.

Surprise

I suppose this is a redundant word when it comes to parenting but oh how I am constantly surprised with this whole shenanigan called parenting. Even more so, life surprises me. Just when you think you have it all figured out something comes around that knocks you straight on your ass.

So I guess the question is...why do I continue to disillusion myself into believing I have it all figured out, even part of the time? The truth would be to say I never know what the hell I am doing. It's all one giant experiment and my kids are the unfortunate test subjects for my inability to always be amazing at parenting.

Disillusioning myself into thinking that I've got this parenting thing down even a little is a protection mechanism I suppose. If I allow myself to think even slightly that I can't do it, then psychologically I will fail. Guaranteed! Telling myself that I can do it, and I know what is happening, and I know how to react, at least theoretically provides me with some hope that I can respond appropriately.

Surprise is such a funny concept. For a control freak like me it's a terrifying concept. Horrifies me honestly. But some people totally thrive on it. They love not knowing what life will bring each day and being spontaneous about how they react that life when it does come is a thrill for them. That makes me want to cry...but since I don't cry that won't happen.

Well when I was pregnant I allowed myself to have life's ultimate surprise. I didn't want to know the sex of my baby. What? A control freak was willing to be surprised? Yep. I guess each time I think of how amazing it was in that moment to have no control and no idea what was going to happen, I remind myself that surprises really can be good. Obviously not all parenting suprises are amazing and fun (like finding your 6 year old playing with his football in the toilet water) but acknowledging that learning can come from not knowing how to react is empowering.

Guess we all have to let go sometimes...as long as it doesn't mean more things will go inside the toilet water; literally and figuratively.

Born to be a mother

NOPE, I was NOT born to be a mom. As a matter of fact I hate children. When I was pregnant with my first I was certain I would hate her. Actually as it stands now I maintain my hatred of children...not my own, but certainly yours! I also don't think I'm the only mother who wasn't born to be one and yet still, by circumstance and the dirty-dirty, here we all are. So now what?

This thought that we are all born with mothering instincts irritates me. I actually think it is on the top of the list of things that allow mothers to unnecessarily judge each other. Like if you don't just love all the things about your children or respond in the right way to the challenges, you carry around this shameful scarlet letter tattooed on your forehead. As if there is a right and wrong way anyway.

Do I think instincts exist? Of course. Do I think mothers have them? Sure. Do I think other mothers misuse this term as a tool for gossip and mistreatment of each other? NO DOUBT.

Your birthing story is yours. Your reasoning behind having children is yours. Your struggle or simplicity in the process is yours. Do I think you should use your experience and your feelings to tell me how I should feel about it? No.

I don't always make the right choices. I don't always say the right things. Sometimes I react in ways that horrify me when it comes to my kids, but I try really hard to not judge other mothers who tell me those same stories. I wish women could just support each other unconditionally without constantly playing the "I'm better than you are game" with one another.

Whether you wanted to be a mother or not, you ARE a mother. Whether you love being a mother or not, you still ARE a mother. Whether you enjoy the experiences that come from being a mother, you are always going to be a mother. There is no shame in admitting the struggles and admitting that maybe this isn't the life you dreamed for yourself.

If you chose to be a mother and it was always something you dreamed of, there is only one difference between you and I...because I didn't really want to be mom I don't carry the shame in admitting that motherhood doesn't live up to the impossible picture we as women form for ourselves.

I know I'm not super mom and I wasn't born to be, but just like I tell my children when they are doing something...the only thing I ask is that each time you try a little harder than last time, and you get a little better than you were the day before, and you learn to do it a little different if it wasn't right the first time.

Can you really ask for more than that from yourself?

Want or need...

Do I want freedom or do I need to feel like I have my own life?

Wants and needs as a mother are just as interesting as the role itself and defining whether the things we desire in life are true needs or wants is very tricky. As mothers we naturally tell ourselves that our own needs are always wants because we must put our children first. Their needs become more important than our needs so we simply invalidate ours and make them into wants. God forbid as mothers we have wants. That's selfish (insert sarcasm in case you weren't sure)!

I happen to be a firm believer in putting myself first. I think if I put myself and my needs first, then I am by far a better wife. When I am a better wife, we have a better marriage. When we have a better marriage, my children are happier and healthier. The cycle of happiness in my home begins with mommy. This is something I am criticized for frequently and it baffles me. I don't see anything wrong with meeting my needs first. I don't think that has a correlation to my children NOT having their needs met. I don't think it is either/or. I think I am allowed to have my needs met as well, but that is a societal no no. As mothers we are supposed to be all selfless and self-sacrificing. Well, I think that's crap.

Parenthood is a really strange dichotomy.  On one hand it's a connection to something larger than yourself. On the other however, it's a chain that forever binds you to something in a way that seems out of your control. Some days I feel like I want freedom from this life that seems decided by what my kids wants and needs are. But I think most days I really just need to find the balance between meeting their needs and needing to have my own life.

Although I talk big and say I believe in putting myself first, I'm not always good at it...mommy, the continuous work in progress. I think the thing that helps me the most is actually writing down the things I need to feel capable...A shower everyday, 45 minutes on the elliptical, 20 minutes to read a book or a trashy magazine, a phone conversation with my sister or a friend, a babysitter every other week for date night, etc.  These are the things that keep me sane.

There is nothing wrong as mothers with acknowledging our needs. If it takes a list to make you do it, then make the list. Make yourself more important than anyone else in your life. It's ok to put YOU first. Being a strong, confident, sane mother is something worth showing your children and doing something for yourself every single day is a pretty good start.