Makeup Free Barbie

Has anyone seen this makeup free Barbie? A graphic artist did a rendition of a Barbie that has no makeup. While in theory this sounds alright, in actual practice I'm kind of annoyed.

I'm not a makeup girl. Not even close. If you know me then you know full well that I occasionally wear makeup, but for the most part just don't feel I need it. Not that I won't change my mind, but for the moment I'm good in general. That doesn't mean I have a problem with makeup, I certainly don't, I just take the stance that I don't want my husband to wake up in the morning with a different woman than he went to bed with at night if you know what I mean.

The point of the explanation is to show a history to some extent that I am not a huge proponent of makeup. So in theory I should love this makeup free Barbie: A chance for us to raise our daughters with an image of what "real" women look like not some unattainable beauty queen. Awesome. Well, not so much...

When I was a kid my mom didn't want me to have Barbies. At my birthday as a matter of fact she would take any Barbie I received and confiscate it. Her thought process was that as a woman she wanted me to be proud of who I was naturally and not want to be something fake that I wasn't really capable of being; Cover up my true self by focusing on clothes and makeup, etc. In some ways I appreciate my mothers approach. I understand where she was coming from. My mother is an incredibly strong woman who is self aware and capable and she thought that came from imagination in other ways, not necessarily Barbie doll ways...literally and figuratively. As an adult I'm not convinced I agree with her thought process. Sometimes it's ok to explore all the possibilities of the person you can be, not just the person society thinks you should be...and thus, my ultimate problem.

So, if you haven't seen a picture of "makeup free Barbie" then you might think she simply looks the same, minus the coloration's on her eyes, lips, and cheeks. Well you would be dead wrong. This particular makeup free Barbie (created by a man BTW) has sunken eyes, wrinkles, frizzy hair, and even yellowing brownish teeth. WOW!!!! I had NO idea that if you took away the makeup, you would uncover a hideously old looking woman who doesn't brush her teeth, hair, or wash her face and hasn't looked in the mirror maybe in weeks.

So let me get this straight. Makeup free Barbie is supposed to liberate our daughters from thinking they need to hide behind makeup to pretend to be beautiful, but you've made makeup free Barbie so hideous that now you have done the opposite. You have terrified my pre-teenage daughter into believing that if she doesn't wear makeup she will turn into a hideously ugly crack head witch of a human being! Wow, great plan stupid man. Have you lost your mind?!?

There must be a middle ground...no I don't want to raise self absorbed, delusional, entitled daughters who think makeup, clothes, and money will bring them happiness. I do however want to raise daughters who are confident about who they are and what they have to offer. I'm not certain that makeup means that my goals are impossible. Makeup isn't the enemy. Truthfully, society is what steers our children wrong in many ways...the makeup isn't the problem. Maybe the son you've raised to see beauty only in the exterior is what's wrong? Just a thought...

My point I guess is that we seem to focus on the wrong things. The makeup isn't what's wrong with Barbie...what's wrong with Barbie is the way we teach our daughters to play with her. I think we can have it both ways. We don't just have to be the pretty Barbie (and there is nothing wrong with being beautiful FYI). We can be the strong, confident, capable, takes care of herself Barbie who kicks ass and takes names, WHILE wearing makeup and a cute outfit. The idea that we as women have to choose between beauty and brains is what's wrong with us...not the makeup.

If I saw that graphic designer on the street I might slap him...do you teach your daughters to see beauty as a negative? Shame on you...we CAN have it all, and I WILL teach my daughters they can be EVERYTHING they want to be, including beautiful!

Can I take credit for the things my kids do?

This is a concept I think most parents struggle with.  Can I take credit for the things my kids do? Or even further...should I?

It's interesting to think about this question whether you are a woman or a man, working inside or outside of the home, but I think the topic is a little more hotly debated by parents who stay at home. It is easier in some ways for stay at home parents (in their minds of course) to make the argument that they spend the most interactive time with the kids compared to their working spouse, so obviously they have more influence on the kids. To me, this thought process is a dangerous and slippery slope at best.

So I am admittedly a stay at home mother with a husband that has worked 12-16 hour days for most of the existence of our children. So on paper I could easily be "that" parent who makes the argument that the kids learn more from their time spent with me then the time spent with their father. Is this a good road to go down? When my daughter gets an A is it my hard work or hers? When my son hits a home run, is it his continuous practice or the fact that I bought him the bat? How about the other direction...when my kids swear is that my doing? How about lie? Did I teach them that? What about disrespecting their teacher or not doing their homework? My fault or their choice?

So I suppose that my point is obvious. If as parents we don't really want to own the embarrassing and ridiculous shenanigans our children choose to participate in, then can we really own their amazing choices? Can we boast about how smart they are, well mannered, kind to others, etc etc etc? Is it really acceptable for either parent to take ownership of the people our children become?

I guess the answer to my own question is sort of. As parents I guess I see our job as more of a nurturing of the possibilities then a shaping of the situation. Although I certainly have moments where I want to say that my actions and my choices have shaped my kids, I'm more willing to say that my choices and actions have shaped their options and given them the ability to learn what and who they want to be. It's more about helping them to learn to be their own person with their own thoughts and choices, then helping them to learn to be the person I think they should be.

Of course I have dreams of what my children will become. Of course my husband has dreams as well. Of course there are days when I can hear my husbands voice come out of the mouth of my daughter and my own voice come out of the mouth of my son, but I think that's more of an accident then an intentional grooming of who they are.

The truth is in my opinion that neither my husband or I really can or even should take responsibility for anything our kids do, good or bad. We birthed children out of love, with hopes for happiness and success for them and that's about it. I have wants for them, but pushing my wants isn't my job. Showing them a good example, explaining all the possibilities, teaching them to have minds of their own, and nurturing the people they want to be are the only things I'm supposed to do as their mother. At some point we as parents have to allow our children to be accountable for their own choices and thoughts and no longer make excuses for them. We also need to stop blaming ourselves for the poor choices our kids make. Eventually we have to erase the guilt that comes with our kids choosing to do something different than what we think we have showed them as the "right" path. Their choices aren't our downfall somehow. Successful parenting in my opinion means you raised a child who thinks for themselves. The result of that is poor choices and bad behavior sometimes. How can they possibly learn how to make the right choices and be great people if they don't sometimes struggle to do that?

The struggle to find my mommy identity

Being a mom is no joke, and trying to find my mommy identity is an ongoing process that for me, even after 11 years of parenting, I still haven't completely figured out. Is it really possible to establish your personal mommy identity?

So what do I mean by mommy identity? Well I'm not talking about the person I am aside from my children, I'm literally just talking about the type of mother I want to be for my children. Not the whole Jaime person, just the mommy part of who I am. Do I want to be a fun mom? A serious mom? A mom with lots of rules or totally lax about stuff? Do I over-involve them in activities or do I tell them to get out of my house and find their own stuff to do using that fancy thing called imagination? I don't know.

I guess I have continually struggled to find my mommy identity because putting it into one box is impossible. It is a combination of all of those things. I can't just be one type of mother because my kids keep changing. My situation keeps changing. I keep changing. So why do I feel this pressure to identify myself in a certain way? Is that pressure coming from society or from myself?

Obviously mothers unintentionally pressure each other sometimes to choose the type of mother we are through conversation about choices, reactions, etc. But the real pressure doesn't come from those other mothers...it comes from me. I want so badly to be able to say that I am a certain type of mother because in a strange way, that label validates the choices I have made relating to my children. If I identify myself as an organized, rule oriented mother than it is ok when I am totally inflexible and strict because that is what I have decided is best for my children. Or not...

I guess when it's all said and done I want to believe that I have a parenting strategy, not an identity. To me the difference is flexibility. Now no one would ever describe me as flexible but that's all the more reason to think of it this way. If I label myself as something I'm stuck. If I think of my parenting as an overall strategy then I can have goals but still allow myself to flex as my children grow and change.

Understanding who I am as a mother is an ongoing process that I may truly never grasp. But I'd rather my kids grow up and have lots of words to describe me (even bad words) rather than just the couple I chose to identify with.

What the...Whistle

"Quality parent" moments...You know, those times when your kids do something totally wrong (I mean not PC kind of wrong) and all you can do is say to yourself "yep, quality parent right here."

One of my kids favorite things to do is rock out in my car. Wherever we are driving we turn up the music really loud, sing at the top of our lungs, and dance until we get to our destination. It's a long running pastime in my car and my kids beg me for it daily. Good clean family fun right? Sometimes...

So when I was a kid we were only allowed to listen to oldies, christian music, and Rick Astley of course. In my adult life I really like all kinds of music including not kid appropriate songs in some cases. Problem is, XM. On XM they play appropriate and not appropriate songs on the same station and sometimes inappropriate songs are so catchy that you leave them playing for a while before you realize that the words are NOT COOL! Enter "Whistle."

So "Whistle" is this totally catchy, really entertaining song by Flo Rida. Starts out with whistling and some fine lyrics until you realize that he is talking about "adult" whistling. But it's too late...your kids have absorbed the words and are now whistling even. Bigger problem...when the song comes on I can't help myself but listen to like the first 20 seconds cuz it's just so great.

Here's the quality parent part...song comes on and I taunt my youngest son for a second and say to him "isn't this your favorite song?" He promptly says no. But then, my oldest says "this is totally my favorite song" and begins whistling and worse, my middle daughter (totally straight-faced) says "this is THE song I sing in the shower."

There you have it...quality parent right here. I guess as long as it stays in the shower and she doesn't say it to some kid at school or worse her teacher, my quality parenting stays quiet; at least this one time.

Sugar

So I have an aversion to giving my kids sugar. Alright, alright, alright. An aversion is a mild way to say how I feel. I DESPISE giving my children sugar and have avoided it as much as humanly possible for their entire lives. So the fact that yesterday was Halloween is almost enough to make me have an aneurism!

While I understand that part of being a kid is "living the kiddie dream" so to speak which means occasionally staying up too late, not showering or cleaning their room, and eating junk food, I still don't have to like it!

Sugar is one of the things that confuses me about parenting.  I guess not just sugar but kids diets. I honestly don't care what you give your kid. If you want to give your kid nothing but chicken breasts and broccoli, or pizza and candy bars every meal I couldn't care less. What you choose to do regarding your own kids diets is simply that; your choice. But that isn't how most parents seem to feel about it. Food choices for others children is one of those things that parents seem to feel is ok to give their opinion on. I sort of think you should shut the hell up about it honestly. Truthfully, how is what I give my kid any concern of yours? If my kids are sugar deprived, that changes your life in what way?

Look, I'm not God's gift to parenting. I do however have extreme opinions about some things relating to my family and my children and sugar just happens to be one of them. The difference between you and I is that I don't criticize your food choices for your kids so why is it ok for you to do that to me?

Let's be totally clear...I haven't completely deprived my children of treats. I don't have soda in my house EVER and I choose to only let them have sugary treats if they eat their dinner. On some occasions (special occasions) they can have soda, candy, cake, etc, but it is just that; special...not normal. I don't think my children's lives are so awful because they don't have sugar whenever they want. I don't think they see it that way either. Treats are treats. Which by definition means something that doesn't happen whenever they feel like it.

Real life is about moderation. As adults we understand that we can't have everything we want all the time. I feel like part of my job as a mother is to teach my kids moderation and I choose to do it with food as one example. You may choose to teach that lesson with some other medium. I guess the part where you lose me is that I respect your choices for your kids, it would be nice if you provided me the same respect that I show you. Giving my kids soda and candy bars when you know I don't doesn't help them...I actually don't see how it helps you either. As adults we are supposed to set an example for our kids. Respecting each others parenting choices sometimes is a pretty good place to start.

I read a great quote today..."don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you." Do you feel like the example your children SEE is the type of person you want them to become?

Yep I'm a Walking Contradiction

Trying to teach your children how to be responsible, respectful, functioning future adults is insanely difficult. Mostly because I'm a giant walking contradiction.

On a daily basis I find myself contradicting the things I ask of my children by doing something entirely different myself. I require they always use good manners, but sometimes I forget to say "please" when I ask them to do something or "thank you" when they do what I ask. I continuously remind them to be kind to one another, but I know I'm not always kind to everyone around me. I ask them to not yell at one another, but rolled down the window in my car the other day to literally scream at a moron who almost killed us; he deserved it but that's obviously not the point.

If the old saying is true that children are more likely to mimic our actions rather then follow our words then why do we as parents frequently live the more sarcastic life lesson of "do as I say not as I do?" I guess my only thought is that we want our children to be better than we are...but that's a total cop-out.

Reality is that we are flawed human beings and teaching another human being how to be better than we are is ridiculously challenging and frankly almost impossible unless we mirror our desires for them with actions, not words. But this is where the contradiction part comes in. I'm an adult. I have earned in my mind the right to not always say and do the right thing. Too bad the day I had children all that went to crap...I no longer had the right to say and do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I chose to have a baby and therefore I chose to take on the responsibility that came with that, including teaching that little child how to be a future functioning adult in our society.

I saw this picture once on this website by husband was looking at. It was meant to be funny, and trust me it was, but in a way it totally scarred me. It was a little boy, maybe 11 or 12 years old holding both his middle fingers up at the camera with the tagline of "are you raising a douche bag?" I'm terrified honestly that my kids will grow up to be whiny, entitled little jerks that people see on the street and think "their mother raised a douche bag." Hopefully however, it won't be because they are mirroring the behavior I have taught them through my actions.

I struggle everyday to teach my children to be good people. Respectful of others and respectful of themselves. I definitely do things I shouldn't, but the lessons I teach my children aren't just words. Sure sometimes I contradict what I tell them...who doesn't...but as long as I stay conscious of the bigger picture, the larger lessons I want to teach my kids, and continue to focus on not raising little jerks, my mild contradictions will hopefully show my kids that I'm not always perfect; and they don't always have to be either. Now that's a worthwhile lesson to teach them.

If that thing falls out one more time I'm going to glue it to your face

Oh the joys of having new babies.

While there are certainly many wonderful things about having adorable, cute, cuddly, sweet smelling, smiling babies...none of those things are wonderful at 3:00 in the morning.

I lived and died by two things when my kids were babies...their swing and their moo moo (you may call it a paci, soother, binky, etc). Without those two things I truly may have lost my mind. When neither of those things worked or for example they wouldn't keep their moo moo in their mouth especially in the middle of the night I found myself having unreasonable thoughts like, "if that thing falls out of your mouth one more time I'm going to glue it to your face." And in conversations with other mothers, especially a great friend who just had a baby, I realized that many moms feel this way.

I think as our children get older we become less sympathetic to the life of the new mother. Mothers with new babies have it rough. In our "older kid" life we forget how unbelievably hard it was when our children were incapable of doing anything for themselves. How honestly sad and lonely that life was. We lived and died by the needs of our children and oh my God how rough was that? Ridiculously!

I place no judgement on the choices new moms make with their children. Ok, I try hard not to place judgement. I think you have to do what is right for your child but sometimes, it's impossible to figure out what that really is because no one around you will let you form your own opinion. They all have an idea of the "right" way to parent; Which doesn't exist BTW.

The best advice I can give a new mom is fuck 'em honestly. Sorry to be so frank but I kind of think that's what people like about the way I say things; honestly and straight forward. You can't please everyone. You shouldn't even try. The best thing you can do is please yourself and make choices for your life and your baby that make you happy.

You will never make anyone else happy. People suck. Even when you give them what they want, they will change their mind. Be true to yourself. That baby wants to do what you want it to do. You are a confident, capable, amazing woman. You carried that baby for 10 months in your stomach. You birthed that baby.

You can do it! I promise you can. Don't you dare let anyone tell you that you can't.